The secret to having a happy Valentine’s Day is to back the frick off the other person because after you’re twenty, Valentine’s Day is really only a holiday for fat chicks who want a reason to get mad and moms and dads who get those killer cute construction paper things with inappropriate thoughts written on in glitter glue. LOVE those.
My beloved one has the sense to unobserve such events with me, which is fun because then I am free to think what I want to think and in my opinion the best love affairs are between my imagination and yours. Except, you know, when we then get real.
I’m slightly worried that this is my favorite relationship ever and that its main parts are thousands of miles of distance and (deleted), but Jesus, I’ve been living with myself for how many years? So I’m not all that surprised. I’m just super glad I have a partner in these particular crimes. Love, love, love. Thinkin’ about love. Much love, many miles, so many years. He said to me on my birthday, “look back and see how many years we’ve been together. Now look forward, and there’s the same. And then more.” This was by way of reminding me of the lifelong commitment I had somehow completely blanked on and forgotten all about.
Sometimes it worries me that my relationship role models are, like, Fleetwood Mac.
I got your love song right here, buddy.
SCREENPLAYS I’VE SOLD THIS WEEK (SO FAR)
Ed. Note: These all sold for 1-2 mil.
The Great DADventure: All it takes is the panic associated with an enlarged prostate, mortgage payments, male pattern baldness, and getting caught cheating on your wife to spark 4 friends to go do something. While doing this thing, they learn about themselves and one of them either gets hit in the balls or hits something in the balls.
Potential stars: Jim Belushi, clones of Jim Belushi.
This Man Needs To Change: A lovable loser who doesn’t really like his job encounters magic and it forces him to change. some people are hurt in the process but at the end everyone gets along and the guy gets a nicer haircut and happiness and the girl actor in the movie is seen in underpants.
Potential stars: One of the Jessicas, One of the Wilsons.
Car Drivers: There are no faster drivers than Car Drivers. Armed only with cars, they drive down and up a lot of streets. When a rival group of car drivers shows up, it’s up to the main car driver (he drives a classic Mustang that his dad left him when he died in a car driving accident) to put together a team. The rebel car driver used to be in jail, where he learned how to fix cars. The nice guy is the one who was roped into doing it and he keeps saying “i’m just along for the ride!!!!!!!!!” while they’re driving really fast, and the other ones look at him and say, “the ride of your life.” Cue rap music.
Potential Stars: A rapper with no acting experience and Mickey Rourke.
Wizards, Dragons and Shit Like That: A long time ago a lot of stuff happened against a green screen. It’s like a million Led Zeppelin songs but it’s a movie.
Potential Stars: Small British Kids, Sigourney Weaver.
The Intertwining Lives of 40 People: Set against the backdrop of a really cool mix CD I made, this is one of those ones where it goes from room to room of a hotel or a building and then WHOOOOOOOOOOSH we’re like across the world in a hut? How’s this gonna relate to OHHHHH I get it, the guy in the hut works in a factory that made the phone that’s in the hotel lobby. Because, like, communication and beauty and stuff. I get it.
Potential Stars: A few really old actors that the director admires, a really pretty singer songwriter that hasn’t acted but is TOTALLY a natural, Steve Coogan.
Sorry I only wrote 5 screenplays. I had to help my friend move.
(I originally wrote this for my friend’s site, We Pilgrims, a few years ago. I just remembered it and thought I’d share it with ya’lls)
My new house — my new room — white rooms. Blank white walls. I initially thought of this as boring. Now I am dreaming hungrily of calm white spaces and freshly laundered places. Nummy.
There. He felt it again. The whole house had unmistakeably slid toward the retaining wall, as if inching toward edificial suicide.
(Photo: Jason Schmidt, Dwell, February 2010)
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